So the cycle of fear commences in full swing today when I realise how utterly petrified I am about tomorrow's scan results. SM 1 is being scanned tomorrow, and she has no bleeding, unlike our SM 2 who has had bleeding as you know for 2 weeks now... Why then am I so incredibly nervous?
I expected that for a couple of days each week before a scan result, I would be nervous but I tried to ignore the build up of tension inside me this past weekend going for the philosophy of 'a watched kettle never boils'...But then...today the tension and worry hit ....
I feel like I'm living with a split personality/lifestyle/set of priorities. At work, only one colleague and my boss know of our personal situation. Each day I pretend I am concerned by the events that occur at work, I pretend I'm this relaxed happy-go-lucky, about-to-get-married, 27 year old who's got everything to be happy about.
But then I'm a different person at home. At home, I'm sometimes anxious and worried, I'm often anything but relaxed and biggest difference, at home ...I'm going to become a MOTHER in 7 months (touch wood!)
Some days the conflict between the two identities is just too much to handle....
I expected that for a couple of days each week before a scan result, I would be nervous but I tried to ignore the build up of tension inside me this past weekend going for the philosophy of 'a watched kettle never boils'...But then...today the tension and worry hit ....
I feel like I'm living with a split personality/lifestyle/set of priorities. At work, only one colleague and my boss know of our personal situation. Each day I pretend I am concerned by the events that occur at work, I pretend I'm this relaxed happy-go-lucky, about-to-get-married, 27 year old who's got everything to be happy about.
But then I'm a different person at home. At home, I'm sometimes anxious and worried, I'm often anything but relaxed and biggest difference, at home ...I'm going to become a MOTHER in 7 months (touch wood!)
Some days the conflict between the two identities is just too much to handle....
On the other hand, staff at SCI are being as usual, simply amazing and they are now updating me every day as to the status of SM 2 with details of her bleed, which has reduced right down to spotting!!!!!
Perhaps some fireworks in our Capital are in order????
We also went through a medium size S/C bleed in our first trimester. Feel free to read more on our blog. S/C bleeds are fairly common. The fact that the bleeding is now reduced to just spotting is a good sign. Remember that most S/C bleeds do go away on their own, as ours did before the first trimester.
ReplyDeleteWe can also totally identify with what you're going through at work. It's not easy I know, but try to focus on other things and try not to google too much. Often people will only write about worst case scenarios on forums and message boards which can really elevate anxiety levels. Sending lots of positive healing energy to your SM.
Take care,
Aaron & Eddy
Thank-you A&E I shall try to distract myself and not go near that horrible Dr G too much :D, perfect advice from solid experience! Thank-you! SR
DeleteSending positive thoughts to your surros, little beans and to u hun, big hug x
ReplyDeleteThank-you Gee :D x
DeleteThe extra anxiety is normal, it is normal that you are now concerned about your first surrogate as much as your second event though it is the second who has had issues.
ReplyDeleteYou are not here because pregnancy is easy, surrogacy usually means a stack of losses littering the steps to this road, this puts everyone in a more vulnerable position more quickly. I just hope this road becomes easier quickly for you.
I completely relate to the split/personality/life, for very honest people (who aren't on the run or something) it is soooooooo not us to have to do things this way, it is difficult but I just think that compared to other things where does it register on the scale.
I know it is difficult but I agree with Aaron and Eddy - distract, distract, distract - the best I find is exercise. I find once I start walking my thoughts start moving instead of doing circles and mental circles are the things that seem to tighten the muscles.
Warm wishes for tomorrows scan, for surrogates and you !
Thank-you Bear what excellent advice! It's so good to have solid understanding from your own experience :) I shall do more exercise and give myself a break :)
DeleteHope you are ok, *hugs
Hang in there....you can't go totally crazy just yet :)
ReplyDeleteWe are all sending good vibes for beautiful, healthy scans coming your way soon.
Lots of hugs to both your little beans, and your special surros.
xo
Thank-you DA I've been saved from the depths of insanity by a lovely scan result :D
DeleteHugs*
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ReplyDeleteThank-you honey x
DeleteShakti Rose,
DeleteI also agree with the helpful comments above, especially Aaron and Eddy re the bias in what people often post on message boards and their advice to not let dr google rule your life :)
It sounds like being kind to yourself is key at the moment, and expecting that the two or three days prior to results each week will likely cause you to worry. Keep taking care of yourself and sharing your feelings with others, there are some good people following your blog!
With love and support xx
I am so far behind on blogs and am now just getting to you. Rest assured, your feelings and double life is totally NORMAL!
ReplyDeleteI also led a double life but for entirely different reasons - but that in itself is unbelievably stressful, yet as many of these comments reflect is entirely normal. Music, music has really helped me - it's an excellent distraction and can reach parts other distractions cannot reach: sometimes empathising; sometimes providing love, hope and calm; and often taking the listener to a land far away from their anxious and debilitating thoughts. X
ReplyDelete