How many people does it take to raise a child?

I recently read the book called 'Bringing in Finn' by Sara Connell, which I loved... this African proverb was mentioned in the book and it really got me thinking ...

This proverb seems particularly poignant and appropriate for people going through surrogacy and adoption. The many people who have already been such a crucial part of our baby's life :
 me, my husband- for supporting both me and the pregnancy without question every minute of every day, our beautiful donor, our amazing surrogate,my parents-for helping us to make this happen and for helping us over many obstacles, my best friend Emma- who's helped save me from going too insane with lengthy inspiring and soul-strengthening discussions on all my worries....Dr S, Meg, Margarida, Dr J, Dr V, the many staff at SCi who ensure we know what's happening every step of the way, my extended family, my boss who helped grant me time off as needed...I could go on...

It also seems that it's relevant for everyone who has children within their family and friend network and community. There are certain roles which everyone hopes parents will take on after having a baby. However it seems there are so many other tasks of guidance, role modelling and teaching which one hopes others will take on. We hope that friends and family members, teachers and staff at school, school friends and peers as the child's growing up will all show our child good ways to behave, how to be kind and considerate. We hope these people will show our child how to teach others and how to learn well from others. Our hopes stretch right out to the community, hoping that it will be a safe and clean environment, kept that way by everyone. Hopes that strangers will be kind to our child thus showing our child that thats the way to behave towards strangers within their immediate and their world community.

Perhaps it really does take a village to raise a child. Perhaps we have all been a part of 'raising a child' already, sometimes without even realising it.

Happy Diwali Everyone!

Moments of naive excitement...followed by more upset :-(

On friday they - (The Indian High Commission) returned our passports without our visas inside.

There are three since I had to give my old (pre marriage) passport also....I didn't really want to see these again until they had the 'magic stamp' in them....*sigh*

On tuesday 9th October, when we went to give all the documents we had fought to gather together - to replace those requested....The manager at the visa office in Wilton road advised that she request that our visas be treated together as a joint application rather than separately as we had planned. She was shocked we had been advised by her colleagues to apply separately to avoid hubby being treated as a referral case (as of Pakistani origin)

 So on friday we received our passports back. Because of my Pakistani origin Hubby and I are a referral case, the decision on both of our visas thus (as expected) gets sent to Delhi (which is ironically where our beautiful surrogate mother and baby is, the world is a small place). These documents have now been sent off...They'll take approx 6 weeks or so...(I expect 6-10 weeks) from now to verify all of the mass amounts of information and supporting documents we provided last week. Fingers crossed that we get called in for our visa stamps in 6 or 8 or however many weeks! 

It was really rather annoying on friday... as we both received automated emails from VFS telling us to collect our processed passports, so for the 40 minutes it took my poor hubby to run to the VFS office and wait in line to collect our passports we stupidly, naively thought we had our visas!!  

I may have screamed down the phone "Oh my *** we are actually allowed to go to India!!!" in pure excitement. How naive and premature and silly of me, temporarily forgetting my problematic heritage.  they'd never grant someone of pakistani origin a visa in 2weeks 2days...why? I don't know.....that's another discussion for another day.

Roll on the next 6 weeks!!! 

On other happier news.....

Our pregnancy is going very very well. Our beautiful Ms R is doing a wonderful job and everything is looking healthy and perfect.

At least we don't have to add that to our list of 'concerns'.....*touch wood and pray*

The future...

The future is one big unknown
Worrying about it makes you scared in the 'now'
Getting excited about it makes you happy in the 'now'
Over-thinking it makes you go crazy in the 'now'

Lately the future has felt scary 
because the 'now' has been scary

But on reflection
The truth is whether the 'now' is wonderful or terrifying
calm or stormy,

Who knows what tomorrow will bring, good or bad,
terrifying or wonderful
 to any of us.

Wishing you all a better tomorrow.

Stress

So we are both now very stressed out, it all began on monday.

The Indian Visa office here in London contacted my hubby and asked him to check his email. In his email inbox it stated that his visa application had been returned with a request for further information. *GULP*

They have requested that we provide some more information.

They are treating our visa application under some brand new Indian laws on surrogacy.

These laws state that anyone travelling over for surrogacy must provide ALL of the following documents...

 These laws are intended to limit new agreements taking place and so are really for people starting the process....so they are treating us as though we are about to start the process by travelling over to begin treatment and set up the agreement etc....which as you know is not the case, we are at 22 weeks and our baby is on our way, whether anyone likes it or not....I digress, the documents they require are for a medical visa,....

The documents required:

Ø      The couple should be married for two years (Marriage certificate) 
We've been married just under 2 months not 2 years! But further advice from them said it should be sufficient we proove the duration of our relationship prior to marriage & explain delaying marriage.

Ø      The clinic should be recognised by ICMR (Indian council Medical Research) to conduct Surrogacy treatment. Hmmmmm we are working on this one

Ø      The letter from the home country of the applicants- Foreign office (FCO/foreign Ministry in this case) should provide the confirmation in the letter that surrogacy is recognised in their country and child would be allowed in the country (applicant’s home country) post birth. 
This one is by far the toughest one since nobody's interested in UK government, but our solicitor has helped us....

Ø      The surrogacy agreement (Notarized)between couple and the surrogate mother in India, including the expense cover during the treatment of surrogacy for both child and mother (surrogate). 
Done - Check!

Ø      The letter from the Surrogacy clinic undertaking the surrogacy treatment including the names of both the parties involved. 
Done - Check!

Ø      The couple should furnish an undertaking that they would take care of the child born through surrogacy.

 Done - Check!

I've been off work all week, with my new job being to beg, email, call nationally and internationally, visit visa offices, beg some more for the tricky documents above.

We are both terrified but hubby handles it much better than me. I can't sleep, eat , do anything really. Items keep moving from the 'list of worst case scenarios we can't discuss as they're too painful to consider as outcomes'  onto the 'list of things we must consider and confront and address even though they're absolutely terrifying in every way'.

I feel like our baby is moving away from us. We no longer have much certainty in our route towards him/her.

Any ideas welcome.

SR x

Head first into buying baby bits

So... I was the one who suggested that we wait until about 28 weeks of pregnancy before starting to buy baby bits. I was worried about jinxing things. But all of that changed with the catalyst of receiving the gifts shown previously from my new Sister-in-law.

Gradually since then, we've felt more and more comfortable with the idea of getting started earlier. Last weekend we bought a Phil and Ted's baby stroller and cocoon as recommended by Margarida on the forum. This weekend we've bought lots more bits shown below. All of this has been and will continue to be second hand from specialist kids charity shops, gumtree sellers etc. (Don't worry we will replace mattresses with brand new ones :)

We have been lucky to meet a lovely NZ couple who sold us the cocoon last weekend and a load more bits this weekend. She's a nurse, and they are moving back to NZ soon and need to sell of their newborn bits now their babies are toddlers!

It was so good to meet them, she gave us so much advice. It made me realise how we had been craving this advice from a parent of little ones. My friends aren't settling down yet and my colleagues who are parents don't know about our surrogacy. It can feel like you're flying blind when you're in this situation! So we listened to her intently, bright-eyed, bushy-tailed and clueless, soaking up the advice like sponges. And I loved how she wasn't pushy about it, just gently sharing her experiences. What a god-send!

The photos probably speak for themselves :-)

Hello from the toy crew !! :-D

All that's missing is our baby :)

Our cot 

Accessories

Love this set :)

All gender neutral you'll have noticed

Love the yellow polk-a-dot onesie...cute!

Moses basket on a stand which can be switched to rocker or still.

My view as I walk past the nursery each morning at 5.45 am ! This view will keep me going through the British dark winter mornings :-)

The piggy book ends Hubby fell in love with :-)

Hahaha gotta have some comedy outfits too :-)

Rocker which automatically rocks and plays music if we so wish !

Einstein playmat 

Full kit from today's puchases

Baby carriers - Baby Bjorn and Chicco

Love and hugs to you all xxx

Grieving

I'm still grieving.

Still grieving the loss of my fertility.

Still grieving the loss of the 'old me'

Still grieving my loss of 'old sense of femininity'

Still grieving my loss of 'old sense of motherhood'

I'm still grieving the loss of two tiny little ones.

I might be happy that something's working out for us.

I might be gaining a whole new sense of identity, sense of motherhood, 

a whole new world perspective,

I might be very excited that I'm becoming a mother in 19 weeks.

I might be many things,

But I'm also, for now, still grieving....

Love and strength to others out there grieving to. xxx