Bad news

Unfortunately we received some very bad news. Ms P miscarried today.

We are devastated, heart-broken and in shock.

There is another angel in heaven now :'(

May I make a special request that nobody say that we are lucky to still have a pregnancy ongoing. None of this is luck, it is down to how big a risk we were willing to take to achieve our dream.

We are of course praying and hoping that our pregnancy with Ms R continues in the healthy way it has been up to now.

I said to my fiancé, 'R' earlier, we will now have to give our one baby all of the love saved up for the two of them.

From two very broken-hearted people :'(

SR & R xx

Re-admitted to hospital ;(

Ms P has been re-admitted to hospital today with heavy bleeding, scan has been done we are awaiting results. I'm so worried. :'(

Ms P is out of hospital!

Miss P came out of hospital on monday thank goodness! We won't know how the SCH (Sub Chorionic Haemotoma) is looking until thursday of next week (12th) when fingers crossed we'll be at 10weeks + 1 day! She was discharged as the bleeding had completely stopped. 
I am so very glad we chose SCI, the staff there are so dedicated and our Ms P was under the best care. They told me what meds she was on in hospital and gave me daily updates including what the obstetrician had evaluated from her daily visits. Honestly that is not the type of care you receive in the UK (private or NHS). I am very impressed.
Thank-you SCI staff and thank-you wonderful Ms P!

I will be honest and let you also know that I am starting to become fixated on the visa issues. Because of my Pakistani origin we are not sure whether we will apply for a medical or entry visa and have received some conflicting advice. We obviously have months to sort it out and gain further advice but I guess now that I no longer feel any need to worry about the medical side of the surrogacy, I've switched to the legal logistics!


I know, I know *tut tut* - don't invite the devil in etc etc, I can't help it! :)

We have a second kidney bean!!

Yay! Yipeeee! Whoopeeee! :)

We got an unexpected scan result for Ms P through on Thursday afternoon. This showed that our gorgeous little 'P bean' is doing very well, BPM has gone up from 9 days previously from 123, to 162,  and all measurements are fine at 14mm (7 weeks 6 days) so only 2 days behind.

We are two very happy people - and obviously as usual - crazy with worry also.

Roll on the second trimester soon please. Me no -likely the first trimester any more....

We have a kidney bean!

So the good news is we definitely have at least one beautiful, kidney bean sized embryo which looks and sounds healthy, heart beating strong with Ms R.

We are super-dooper happy! Yipee!

On other good news,  Ms P is doing better again, having lots of lovely vitamin and hormonal supplements and resting up in hospital. We shall have another scan result from her next Wednesday 4th July.

Thank-you for all of your posts yesterday, it helps so much to know you're all out there, understanding the complex emotions involved, so 'normalising' it all a little for us all. I would go insane with stress if it wasn't for you lot!

The Cycle of Fear in the roller coaster of International Surrogacy

So the cycle of fear commences in full swing today when I realise how utterly petrified I am about tomorrow's scan results. SM 1 is being scanned tomorrow, and she has no bleeding, unlike our SM 2 who has had bleeding as you know for 2 weeks now... Why then am I so incredibly nervous?


I expected that for a couple of days each week before a scan result, I would be nervous but I tried to ignore the build up of tension inside me this past weekend going for the philosophy of  'a watched kettle never boils'...But then...today the tension and worry hit ....

I feel like I'm living with a split personality/lifestyle/set of priorities. At work, only one colleague and my boss know of our personal situation. Each day I pretend I am concerned by the events that occur at work, I pretend I'm this relaxed happy-go-lucky, about-to-get-married, 27 year old who's got everything to be happy about. 


But then I'm a different person at home. At home, I'm sometimes anxious and worried, I'm often anything but relaxed and biggest difference, at home ...I'm going to become a MOTHER in 7 months (touch wood!)


Some days the conflict between the two identities is just too much to handle....

On the other hand, staff at SCI are being as usual, simply amazing and they are now updating me every day as to the status of SM 2 with details of her bleed, which has reduced right down to spotting!!!!! 

Perhaps some fireworks in our Capital are in order????

What does 'better' mean?

So after I got over my initial panic, and then got over the Dr Google 'research' phase....I then moved onto the semi-productive stage and actually asked SCi Staff how the bleed was being classified and what likelihood they thought there was of miscarriage.

This is the bulk of our response...

"We would like to inform you that your surrogate is doing better than before.  Sometime it ( bleed ) happens at this stage. 

But just to avoid any risk, she is still under our observation.

As per your query asked in below mail we would like to inform you that this are of bleeding identified is being recognized as a subchorionic bleed. 

Please note that she is under our best care & our medical staff take prompt action.

As per our discussion with the obstetrician, we have to wait & see how she is progressing. "

So now I find myself wondering... 

What does "better" mean? Less bleeding? Less pain (I didn't know she was ever in any pain)? Is anything better or is this just reassurance?

What does 'observation' mean?

What drugs/medication/treatment is she receiving (if any)?

The cultural and medical differences become apparent at times like this, as well as how little control we have over this pregnancy :(

I trust the staff there entirely, but this situation is frustrating regardless.

I don't know whether to bother them again with my further,incessant, unnecessary and outright 'picky' questions.

My final question - Why can't I have been blessed with the virtue of patience?

Dr Google and I have some issues sometimes.....