The ironies of international surrogacy

So each week I dip into babycenter or babycentre websites and see how our baby's progressing. I chose not to have the regular updates - I tried it out but Bernadette was right, it was too painful to read all of the symptoms I 'would' be feeling IF it were a typical pregnancy.

This morning I read these handy tips and laughed as I have experienced all of these in abundance as an Intended mother...

• You toss and turn all night trying to find a comfortable sleeping position. What to do: Lie on your side with your knees bent and a pillow between your legs. For extra comfort and support, arrange other pillows under your belly and behind your back. Or try using a contoured maternity body pillow.
• I might try this tonight thanks!
• You become hot and sweaty in the middle of the night. It's common for pregnant women to feel a little warmer than usual thanks to shifts in your metabolism, hormones, and weight. What to do: Keep your bedroom cool and strip down to the bare essentials. Keep slippers and a snuggly bathrobe handy for those nighttime trips to the bathroom.
• The worry and stress of knowing your baby is halfway across the world in someone else's tummy is sometimes too much and hubby already insists on the window being open whatever the weather!
• Getting out of bed is harder than ever! Don't I know this one! What to do: Roll over onto your side so you're facing the edge of the bed. Dangle your legs over the side and use your arms to push yourself into a sitting position. Plant your feet squarely on the floor and then stand up. Definitely trying this one tomorrow morning!
• Sometimes even when you're exhausted, you just can't sleep. So do you toss and turn waiting for sleep to catch up with you — or do something else in the meantime? I tend to catch up on blogs, forums and social networking sites when I can't sleep, or double triple quadruple check our list of baby names....or write more wedding gift thank-you letters

:)

Week 19 scan and some good results :D

Well our new little one is doing so very well. We received these beautiful 3D scans on friday and a very relieving 'problem-free' triple marker test result set five minutes ago!

We are as always overwhelmed and in awe of the wonder of nature combined with the skill and expertise required to get us to this point. Our baby is already perfect in our eyes and we just can't wait to meet him/her.

I have saved these three pics on my phone, on the same screen as a photo of me and my hubby, (our first family montage :) and I look at it whenever I need cheering up. Have yet to convince my folks who we live with to allow me to put a print-out of them on the kitchen fridge! - fine until someone comes over who knows nothing of our surrogacy :-)

Getting a little worried about our visa applications, but it's all in progress and we carefully planned it out so all we can do is pray now.

So we are settling into married life - no different to before really but nice to be able to say 'my husband' and look back at wonderful wedding pics and videos.

Slowly getting our thank-you letters for wedding gifts done,gaining back some normality in our lives.

We are sorting out the Nursery one little step at a time - more so I can walk past, glance into it and feel excited at what's to come rather than a real urgency to get organised since it's still early-ish days and my folks will be happy to organise some things whilst we are still over in Delhi (for 3-6 months!)

That's all for now I think, I will as always keep a close eye on all of your blogs - thank-you for writing them, it's great to feel so connected to you all.

A special note to Bernadette,

I hope each day brings more strength and peace to all of your hearts. I believe, as many of your blog supporters also do, that you  and Duane were carefully picked out to be the parents of such a special little boy as mother universe knew that you both have the strength of heart and mind to handle it. In saying that, you know it's fine to feel weak sometimes and to cry. You are only but human and it's each of our passion and heart that got us to the point of being willing to go to such lengths to create our own families so please never feel strange for showing emotion.

All my love and strength to you at this difficult time,

xxx

Healthy scan, heartfelt wedding, hum-dinger of a honeymoon

So here it is/was ...our week 16 scan, carried out at 16 weeks 3 days into pregnancy, on Saturday.

Isn't it wonderful? We received the email on our way back from honeymoon in Cairo airport - and there were lots of tears of happiness and a special toast to our little one :-D Everything was healthy in the report and we are over the moon! It's great to be into the second trimester, it feels very good.

The wedding was fabulous. A small garden wedding with just 40 guests. It passed by in a flash unfortunately - as you know all big exciting occasions have a long rocky build-up and then the event itself is over before it seems it has started. Everyone enjoyed themselves and it was so special after the super rough year we've had to have all our loved one from near by and around the world with us to celebrate. The in-laws had only met each other for the first time a week before but they got on so well, their differences complimenting each other, so we were happy!

Our honeymoon was a very welcome break from reality, a chance to re-gather our strength before the next few months of heavy admin, with my name-change, passport renewal, visa concerns,surrogacy admin and more waiting and probably worrying that something may go wrong. I feel much more prepared for all of it now the stress of the wedding is past. I keep pouring over the wedding photos - I love photos so much and my Hubby's cousins wife took our shots for us, they're so artistic.

The pregnancy is starting to feel more and more 'real' recently. My new sister in law gave us a couple of gifts for the baby from India where she'd been travelling, and so I dared to let myself buy a few whilst on honeymoon.

Indian mobile from SIL

One in blue one in pink as we don't know until our baby's born...

Rugs in blue and pink, there's a theme

Indian Pillow case from SIL which we'll use as a wall hanging, blue and pink...

Some blue, some pink....

Hanging camels ...multicoloured....

I explained to my husband that during the past year I've learnt an important lesson (especially for me as a born chronic worrier.)

I have learnt that predicting the worst and worrying about it so much as I have predicted that it will definitely happen does not lighten the fall whatsoever IF that horrible event actually does happen. Whether it's predicted or a nasty surprise - we were still devastated. So I am going to enjoy this pregnancy as much as I can, and I am going to encourage hubby to do the same. This may well be the only pregnancy we ever experience - since we may choose adoption to extend our family further. Therefore I want us to really live and embrace the feelings of excitement and embrace the opportunity of watching our baby grow,and in preparing for his or her arrival.

I am however starting to feel strange about not finding out the sex beforehand. My friends ask whether we are finding out and I have to explain to them why we can't. Deep down I would prefer a little baby girl, I have always wanted a girl since I was a girl myself and there are mostly girls in my family and extended family - if you are not a sister yourself you sure as hell have a sister!

I have decided I need to work on my attitude and do some soul searching and get used to the idea of it being a baby boy. It will take some time but I can do this I'm sure. Working 1:1 with a little boy at school has helped me a great deal, he is charming and it has helped me to have a glimpse of what having a little boy might be like.

It's not that I wouldn't be able to love a little boy, I would love a little boy just as much as a little girl, it's just the concept of having a little boy I'm struggling with. Ultimately of course just like everyone else, the most important thing is that our baby's healthy.

Has anyone else had similar feelings?

Special congrats to Bernadette, Duane, Scarlett and Hayden. We are all so relieved you are home! Hope Hayden builds in strength day by day. We are all rooting for him.

Have a wonderful day everyone.

Size of our little one :)

Our baby now has reflexes and so our baby's fingers will soon begin to open and close, his/her toes will curl, his/her eye muscles will clench, and his/her mouth will make sucking movements.

 His/her intestines, which have grown so fast that they protrude into the umbilical cord, will start to move into his/her abdominal cavity about now, and his/her kidneys will begin excreting urine into his bladder.

Nerve cells are multiplying rapidly, and in our baby's brain, synapses are forming furiously. His/her face looks unquestionably human: His/her eyes have moved from the sides to the front of his head, and his/her ears are right where they should be. From crown to rump, our baby-to-be is just over 2 inches long (about the size of a lime) and weighs half an ounce.

Week 12 Scan Results :D!!!

We have received our week 12 scan and it's perfect!!


Our little one clearly had a growth spurt as he or she is now measuring up to the equivalent of 13 weeks! 


From a super happy 'mummy-to-be' ! I love you beautiful baby.

"Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy." ~Leo Buscaglia

I don't know what's wrong with me but I am particularly paranoid about today's scan results in advance of receiving them in one hours time.


I am snowballing - predicting the worst based on what has happened. I have little reason to feel so worried based on this as an individual pregnancy out of context of our surrounding previous experiences, but yet here I am ....basing all my anxieties about this pregnancy on biologically and medically un-related incidents which have broken our hearts and left us wounded.


Roll on 14:30 when I hope we see our gorgeous baby again and I can relax for the remainder of the day at least....

Week 10 Yipeee!

I am the barer of GREAT news for a change lately :)


Ms R, our amazing surrogate mother had her 10 week scan yesterday and everything looks healthy, excellent and on track.


I was so relieved I didn't quite know how pleased to be.


Then it sank in and the tears of happiness flowed.


And we can see our baby's shape taking form :) An arm and a leg in the first scan below we believe? What do you think? I think the bottom one is from behind but I'm open to all ideas.


I looked at this scan and fell in love with him/her all over again. Wow!

In other news

I'm still feeling so sad over our loss. It's strange I feel empty when I think about what happened, I really miss him/her even though I never 'knew' him/her. I guess I miss the dream and the idea of having a second baby. We both are also incredibly exhausted by experiencing loss and sad news, having received so much before deciding to embark upon surrogacy.

Wedding news

All is coming together well. I've decided to wear khassa shoes .......

And also an amienette which I decided upon this one because I wanted it to be emerald green in colour to match the emerald stone earrings I will be wearing. I wanted to wear Emerald Green earrings in memory of the beautiful Shakti who we lost on friday. I decided this after reading that some parents like to remember babies they have lost by wearing the birthstone of the baby's month of conception. I love this idea.

Of course I won't look quite as glamorous as the model wearing it but I will try to come close! :)


These items were chosen to give my outfit a slightly more 'Indian' feel - we want to embrace Indian culture into our identity and lifestyles from now into the future, and decided upon this back in January. I am also a quarter Indian/Pakistani which is great too :)




I hope everyone is well and happy. Thank-you a million times more for all of your following and support. It means so much to keep up to date with all of your blogs and know that we are sharing this experience.


Have a great evening!